Ever go to bed depressed and still feel the same in the morning? What a bummer. I shouldn’t really be feeling this way. I had a party last night with friends pinning to a map of the United States the names of their friends, who would let me couch surf or would be good subjects for the video interviews on my Road Trip. I should be feeling “up” about the good time folks seemed to have and the many pins now covering the map. But, I’m not. I came home feeling dejected, cross and just plain not happy. It did not help that when I put on the air conditioner, the heat blasted out. Just one more thing to ruin my life.
I am trying to figure out what the heck has caused my Poor Me mood. A contributing factor has to be my feeling tired lately. There have been some demands on my energy like taking care of a house guest for four days leading up to the party; traveling to visit a friend from high school the previous weekend, which did leave me with nice memories but little sleep; pushing myself with shopping, cooking, and planning to make the party happen. Then, on party night, it took energy to be the engaged and upbeat hostess. There was also disappointment that a few guests did not participate in the mapping and that some friends did not come. Toss into the mix the fact that I have also been having flashbacks of my husband and his illness on and off during the past few days–something that I usually take in stride. All in all, there have been far worse weeks without my having a pity party.
It does seem important, though, to figure out how to counteract this mood because if all does not go well on some parts of the Road Trip, I want to have an antidote that will revive my optimism and energy. Cognitive tricks like remembering how good I have it compared to all the struggling people in the world trying to stay alive or get through the cold night or feed their children just made me admonish myself for feeling the way I do. Talking with a friend earlier and enjoying recounting with him some of the party’s funnier moments helped a little but it was temporary. Even indulging in Ben and Jerry’s Vanilla Heath Bar Crunch ice cream did not help; it just made me feel guilty and fat. I continued to feel alone in my misery even when something good happened like the quick response of the very nice repair person, who fixed my air conditioning problem.
Recently, I saw the movie, “About Time”. A young man travels back in time to fix things in his relationship and on the job to prevent them from happening in the present. As he matures, though, he decides to stay in the present and makes the choice to look at the positive in each of the “bad” times. I thought that tactic might be worth a try.
Looking back over the lead up to the party and the party, itself, was enlightening. Upon reflection I could see the time with my house guest in a different light. He is a colleague, whose humor and commitment to the Earth Charter made for enjoyable and meaningful conversations. He also offered to put me in touch with a dozen good people around the country, who could be helpful to me on my trip.
The pre-party work and planning did take energy but it came off without a hitch and the food received very nice reviews. There was high energy in the room as people, who shared the same values for sustainability and social justice, got to know one another. There were amusing moments like Finn making music happen by creating an impromptu speaker for his cell phone out of two plastic cups and an empty toilet paper roll—wherever in the heck did he find the empty roll! Or Barbara describing her goofy nun friend, who would be happy to give me a place to stay on my travels.
There was Ben’s enthusiasm for the party—it was his idea—and his obvious delight in getting folks to participate. Friends with a lot on their plates, including serious health issues, did show up to demonstrate their support for my Road Trip. Others like Pamela took very seriously their task of finding me people and brought me pages of detailed information even going so far as to have already alerted them that I would be in touch. I met new people like Megan, who volunteered a lovely respite on Cape Cod for me during my trip; Vinny, who generously pinned names on the map; and Susan, who offered to get me into Yale:) Judy and Genie spent precious energy and time cooking delicious dishes to augment the menu, Friends JoAnn, David,and Lou Ann happily added people in several states with promises of more to come. George and Val reminded me of the Earth Charter organizers around the country with whom I could connect. Tracy even offered her friend’s home in the Bahamas as a place for me to recoup after the trip. Mary Anne, Rita and Anne also dove in to make the cleanup go quickly and smoothly.
I remember looking around the room and seeing people sitting in different circles laughing and talking intently as they got to know one another. Beautiful good people, who came out on a rainy Friday night to push pins into a map to help me have the trip of a lifetime. I am so blessed. I am aware that as trite as it sounds, looking at the positive can be a good way to combat down times and just might be the best antidote to take on a Road Trip or through life. 🙂
Sunday mornings have for years been a time of solace and relaxation that I have gifted myself. When my husband was alive I would delve into my real life New York Times and he would make a goat cheese and green onion omelet for us to share with our coffee. Now that my mood has shifted I’m heading into the kitchen to relive that that happy memory.
The recipe is a simple one: melt about 1 Tbsp butter in omelet pan; mix a couple of eggs with a little cream, salt and pepper; pour into pan and cook over medium low heat; when eggs start to bubble, add goat cheese crumbles and chopped green onion; cover with lid (for the life of me I’ve never been able to flip one); let cheese and onions get warm, fold in half and enjoy with favorite coffee.